Neville Longbottom Can Conjure Food from Nothing
by Norwegian Blue
Summary: The only reason we had Chuck Norris facts before Neville Longbottom facts is because J.K. Rowling wasn't strong enough to write about the epicness of Neville all at once. Who could blame her?


**Author's Note: **Another fic that I wrote a while ago which is being moved over to my profile. I wrote this almost immediately after _Deathly Hollows _after a thread at the Sugar Quill fansite turned into the Neville Longbottom version of Chuck Norris facts, which obviously, are a lot more realistic than the ones about Mr. Norris. Because Neville is pretty much the awesomest character in the history of whatever and I'm sure even Chuck Norris agrees with that.

It had been a small thing, at first. A few weeks after the battle at Hogwarts, a few weeks after Voldemort had been defeated, a few weeks after...wow, everything, small lines had started to appear at the very bottom of the Quibbler's pages, nearly in the margins, with the initials of the people who had presumably written them.

_Neville Longbottom wasn't burned by the Sorting Hat because he is cold as ice. -RW_

Those things Muggles call crop circles aren't caused by mooncalves, Longbottom decided that the wheat should just lie the hell down. -DT

After The Dark Lord was defeated, Neville Longbottom walked into the Slytherin Common room. It immediately collapsed, as it wasn't intended to contain that much awesomeness. Neville emerged unscathed. As if there could be any doubt. -SF

At first, Neville had been bewildered, but hadn't taken too much notice of it. After all, after Voldemort was defeated, anything said by someone Harry Potter considered a friend was considered newsworthy. If they wanted to send bizarre jokes into the Quibbler, well, Mr. Lovegood was feeling so guilty about selling Harry out that he'd probably do anything for them.

_Neville can conjure food from nothing. Exceptions to Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfiguration be damned. -HP_

In the first edition they appeared there were only two. In the second edition there were six, and in the third nearly every page had one, except for the front page and a page with a full page advertisement. By the sixth edition, even some of the advertisers had begun to use them.

_For messes that only Neville Longbottom could get out, use Mrs. Skower's All-Purpose Magical Mess Remover._

Gran had made a show of making a fuss about this and saying that they shouldn't have used his name without permission, but he noticed that she wasn't in a hurry to get to her owl to tell them off.

He started to find that he didn't have to pay for things at the Leaky Cauldron or at The Three Broomsticks.

_While imprisoned, Toad-face Umbridge tried to write to Neville to appeal to his better nature to petition on her behalf to Minister Shacklebolt. Immediately the words "I am not worth a second of Neville's time" were cut into the back of her hand. The strange thing was, she was using a normal quill. –LJ_

After about six months, they started to die off and not appear in The Quibbler any longer, though new ones would turn up from time to time in Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes packages, particularly the noisemakers, which tended to shout them on occasion when pulled.

_Neville Longbottom got his Apparation License at the age of fourteen. Months._

When he started working at Hogwarts, however, a few of the students would include them at the end of their essays. At first, he wasn't sure what to do. Surely he was supposed to frown on this behaviour. After the problem became more prevalent, he decided that as long as he didn't factor them into the grade, he didn't see for any reason for them to stop.

_Professor Longbottom doesn't have to read books. If he chose to, he could just stare them down until they gave him the information he wanted. _

At his wedding, Harry, Ron, and George Weasley presented his wife with a dragon hide bound book with all of the lines inscribed in it, with several blank pages at the back. "To give him some to grow on, and to give you some warning on what to expect." Ron said with a wink. Hannah, of course, insisted on filling in the blank pages whenever one of his students came up with a new line, and Neville suspected there was a charm on the book to make sure there were always blank pages.

"Of course," said Ginny, when he mentioned this to her one day when she and Harry came to visit him at the school one day. "That's the only book in existence that can hold all the awesomeness of Neville Longbottom."


End file.
